April
May
July
Tami and I left for Atlantic City Airport at the ass crack of dawn.
She has never been on a plane before so I think she may have had a
drink or two before we left. 5:30 A.M. is a little too early to be
drinking, even for me. We landed in Fort Lauderdale at about 9:45 or
so and met Evan. The weather was kind of overcast and crappy, but
the weather in Florida changes by the hour.
Once we arrived at Evan's house, we started off the vacation by
drinking some Corona's. This moment would mark the last time I
would be sober for the next 7 days. Here's some pics of us drinking
at Evan's house. Please don't laugh at my bathing suit.
Miami. It was still drizzling out, but we figured it would clear up by
the time we got there. We grabbed some road beers and jumped in
Evan's car for the 45 minute drive. The beers made it go by pretty
fast though.
It was still drizzling out, so we just headed to a Cuban restaurant and
ordered pork sandwiches. It was here that I discovered my new
favorite drink: The Mojito. Here is the recipe:
2½ oz. light rum
1 lime
1 tbsp. simple syrup (just equal parts sugar and water boiled together
and cooled)
mint leaves (8 or so sprigs worth)
ice
club soda
tall glass
spoon, or some other utensil that can be used to mash the mint leaves
up
They poured them very strong and I had far too many of them
(surprise). This is where it really started to go down hill. I was
sucking down mojitos, which were almost pure rum, like they were
water.
After we left the Cuban place, we went over to Fat Tuesdays and of
course I ordered a 190 Octane with an extra shot of rum. That went
down real easy. Too easy actually. Then it was off to a bar where
the waitresses danced and sang songs in Spanish. I remember it was
at this point that I lost the ability to sit on a bar stool. As I would
start to fall off, Tami would push me back up straight.
Tami didn't drink all that much so we made her drive us home while
I enjoyed more beers in the back seat. I started saying nonsensical
things at this point. She tried to change lanes to get onto the Florida
Turnpike. She couldn't do it, but for some reason I thought she did
and I started cheering for her.
When we got back to Evan's, I accidentally knocked over a plant by
the front door. The rest of the night is all hearsay, because I have no
recollection of it, but basically I continued to drink beers and I
generally got more an more annoying. Evan was showing us his
property and I almost fell into the canal behind his house. I think if
an alligator bit me, he would have gotten drunk. All I remember is
June 3, 2005
We woke up and amazingly I felt fine and Tami was feeling sick. I think it was because I was still intoxicated from the night before. That's
my new hangover cure; don't sober up! We drove Evan to work and then Tami and I headed over to the Davie Ale House for some lunch.
When I pulled into the parking lot and Tami saw the name, I thought she was going to be ill.
The Davie Ale House was a pretty cool place. Pints of beer were $2 and they had awesome seafood there. On what seemed like every other
day of the week except that day, they sold 5 bottles of beer for $5. I had fish and chips and something called "conch soup." I think that
means snail soup, but in all honesty, I really don't want to know.
About halfway through the meal, Evan called me and told me about some time share deal. We had to listen to a 90 minute presentation for a
time share and then they gave us two nights in Orlando and tickets to Epcot. So after about half hour of aggravation and 3 dropped calls I
set everything up.
Next we went to Fort Lauderdale beach. It was still raining and crappy, but that didn't stop us from drinking at every bar along A1A. We
had lunch and beers at some amazing German place and then we drank at the world famous Elbo room, Beach Bums and about three other
bars. We asked the bartender if we could drink on the beach and she said no, then she poured our beers into plastic cups and winked at us.
Basically it is illegal, but nobody cares. I liked that. Here's a pic of Tami drinking a giant beer at the German place.
After a while, we went back to pick up Evan. Of course we grabbed
some more beers along the way at 7-11. We were amazed that we
could buy beer almost anywhere, unlike crappy New Jersey. You
name it: super markets, gas stations, convenience stores; all sold
beer. Damn I love Florida.
Later, we drove up to Orlando. It was getting late so we just hung
out at TGI Fridays and then drank in the hotel rooms.
June 4, 2005
We woke up and went to this stupid time share thing. We went to
about 6 different places before we found where we had to go. We
could see right from the start that this was going to be a shady deal.
Here's a pic of Tami outside one of the condo's.
When we got inside, they had breakfast out, but they told us that we
had to wait until after the presentation to eat. We ignored them and
started eating anyway. I soon regretted that decision. As far as the
breakfast sausages went, they were greasy, so the horrid flavor was
nicely masked. The eggs were a different story. They tasted like,
um, let me think for a second…what’s that flavor that I don’t
like…um…it’s coming to me…oh yeah, the fucking sweat from a
camel’s nutsack. How in the hell could they screw up scrambled
eggs that badly!? They were god-awful.
Speaking of camel’s nutsacks’, Chandra, the salesman, came over to
give us his schpeel. This guy was straight off the boat from India
and his sales skills were amateur at best. First he showed us a
picture of himself in India to try and humanize himself. It went
downhill from there. He then basically tried every trick in the
salesman 101 book to strong-arm us into buying a time share. We of
course mocked him the entire time. After laughing for two hours at
Chandra’s expense, we got our free tickets to Epcot Center and took
off. I wanted to get a picture of Chandra for posterity, but we pissed
him off before I got the chance. Oh well.
After screwing around for most of the day swimming, playing tennis,
including Emeril’s, Pat O’Brian’s, NBA City and the Nascar Cafe. There was also the Latin Quarter, the Groove, City Jazz and Bob Marley’s.
There was a place for everyone. We ended up at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, where we drank margaritas and ate cheeseburgers in
paradise. It was still raining and crappy out, so we had a bunch of drinks and then just headed back to the hotel and drank more there. I would
have stayed and drank in the rain, but I am more of an alcoholic than my friends. I also wasn’t the one driving.
June 5, 2005
We woke up nice and early to go to Epcot Center. After visiting a lot of the attractions (Mission Space kicked ass!), we headed over to the
countries. This is where the drinking for the day began.
We started off in England, at the Rose and Crown Pub, where we got ½ yards of Bass Ale. Then we just journeyed from country to country
drinking the local flavor. In Germany we went to the beer gardens and drank huge steins of German beer. In Italy we stopped for lunch and
drank the finest Italian wine. We even stopped in countries like Morocco and sampled their local favorite beers. Almost every country had a
bar in it. After touring the world of alcohol, we filled up our ½ yard glasses one last time in England and left the park. It was a long day of
drinking. We drank the world in only a few hours.
June 6, 2005
After dropping Evan off at work, we went to Beach place in Fort Lauderdale. This place is friggin’ amazing! There are bars everywhere! You
couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a bar. It was three stories tall and each floor had tons of bars. There were piano bars and Hooters
and Fat Tuesdays and every other bar you could imagine. We stopped at Max’s Grille, where they had 3 for 1 deals. We had almost every type
of drink you could have, from martini’s to beers to glasses of merlot. Here's a picture of Tami on the strip and me at Max's.
We started to get hungry, so we headed over to Riverfront, which is
another huge complex of bars in the center of Fort Lauderdale. We
went to Dan Marino’s for lunch and ate far too much crap. I had a
Pina Colada with a shot of Midori in it. It was amazing. (When you
are on vacation you are allowed to drink girlie drinks and still be
considered a man.)
After Marino’s we walked next door to the Ugly Tuna Saloona and
ordered beers. That is when something happened that’s never
happened before. There was beer in front of me, but I didn’t want to
drink it! My body started a mutiny against me! It decided that it
took all the abuse it could take and wasn’t going to have anymore of
it. By the look on Tami’s face I could tell she was feeling the same
way. We did finish the beers, but it was a slow and painful process.
All we wanted to do is go home and die. Of course we wouldn’t be
so lucky. Below are pics of the pina colada and of River Front. You
can see Hooters, The Martini Bar, Marino's and the Ugly Tuna
Saloona. And despite the picture, NO, I am not gay!
amazing sports bar that I have ever been in. Every square inch of wall space was covered with giant screens with games projected on to
them. They were huge. You couldn’t not watch a game while in the bar. Everywhere you looked there was a screen. Even the beers they
served there were huge. They were served by the liter. I had a few of them.
The Miami Heat game was on every screen. When they finally lost the game, I wanted to go outside and start flipping over cop cars and
rioting, but to my amazement, everyone took it rather well. I guess the people in Florida are more mellow than the people in up north.
After leaving the sports bar, we headed down A1A towards Del Ray Beach. We drove past Oprahs house and lots of other celebs. Once in
Del Ray Beach we found a bar that was still open. Once inside we realized that it was a reggae bar. Well, when in Rome, do as the
Romans. I was without a doubt the whitest man in there, but I danced anyway. I’m sure I got a few stares, but I was drunk enough not to
care.
As usual, before we left we asked the bartender to pour our beers into plastic cups for us. When we walked outside the cops by the door
stopped Evan and told him very nicely that they would rather he finished his beer before leaving. So he casually stood there on the sidewalk
and finished his beer while talking to us. I found this to be amazing. In Jersey, I’m not sure what the cops would have done if I tried to
leave a club with a beer, but I can tell you that they wouldn’t have let me finish it casually on the sidewalk outside while I talked to my
friends. Damn I love this state!
It was about 2 A.M., but the night was still young. I was getting a
little homesick, so we went to the trashiest, crappiest bar in Boca
Raton. The white trash factor was high. The bathrooms were
covered in puke, piss or both. There were a few pool tables and a
juke box on the wall. Here is a picture of Evan and Tami in the bar
so you can get an idea of the atmosphere (right).
We started pounding pints of Bud and before we knew it, Tami was
getting into fights with the other bar patrons. Apparently some guy
across the bar said that the Metallica song that I played on the
jukebox sucked. Tami started in on him and of course he egged her
on by making fun of every song that I played. I had to hold Tami
back from killing him. At some point, a very drunk Tami got a hold
of the camera. The following pictures are the result. One is a picture
of a very drunk Evan (below) and the other is a picture of a very
drunk me (below right).
This was our last day here and we wanted to make the best of it so
we headed over to Beach Place again (after drinking a few 24oz beers
in the parking lot of course). Although it was against my better
judgment, we stopped at Fat Tuesdays and once again I got a 190
Octane with an extra shot of rum. Then we headed to Maxx’s and
had a few martinis before heading back to pick Evan up from work.
Look carefully at the picture of me drinking the 190 Octane and you'll
see the test tube shot still in the drink. I didn't realize it until I was
almost finished, but the rum didn't drain out of the test tube. so I had
a nice pure shot of rum right at the end. The other shots are of Tami
looking sexy as hell!
hungry so we went over to Nathan’s, which happened to be next to
another bar. Our plane was starting to board, so what did we do?
We ordered another round of 20oz beers of course! We chugged
those things down and ran to the airplane as best as our drunken
asses could with our chili hotdogs in hand. Here’s a picture of Tami
in the airport bar (right).
When we arrived in Atlantic City, I still don’t think I was capable of
legally driving a motor vehicle. I was actually a little worried that I
wouldn’t be legally able to drive a motor vehicle the next day either.
It took a few very rough days to get my liver back to normal
operation. I’m still not 100% back, but I’m working on it. I will
leave you with a shot of Tami in a bikini.
June 11, 2005
Ann and Bernie (right), were down from Wycoff to their families
summer place in Brigantine so we went out to the Irish Pub in
Atlantic City. I have been there about a billion times, but for some
reason I have never been in the outside area. It was rowdy as hell
out there. Every time an attractive woman walked down the adjacent
sidewalk all of the drunk guys started making cat calls. At the table
behind us there was some drunk guy licking a woman's breasts while
the rest of the table laughed and cheered. At one point almost on cue,
everybody starting singing some song about another poor fellow
taking it in the pooper (except the song lyrics were just a little more
vulgar). All in all it was a fun interesting evening.
June 12, 2005
PJ and Tami came over and we sat around drinking all day. Now, instead of being responsible and going to bed at a decent hour, we went
to Testa's Good Guy Pub to try and find PJ a man, until they closed at about two and then we went to The Riverside Tavern until 3:30. The
Riverside is a place that can be a little scary during the day time, let alone at night. There are always some interesting characters in there. It
should be noted that although we went out so PJ could find a man, she passed out drunk in my car while we were in Testa's and we didn't
even wake her up when we went to the next bar. We just waited until we got home. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't such a good
idea leaving a drunk girl alone in the parking lot of The Riverside Tavern at 3 A.M. Oh, well.
P.S. - Although she didn't find true love, the next morning she had vague recollections of being sexed into the local street gang. Her new
name is "Hot White Bitch".